I would be lying if I told you that I did not think there was something off this entire pregnancy. I knew it in my soul that this boy was not going to come to be. I fought the feeling, I bought the things, but my instincts knew that he was made only for heaven.
This pregnancy was different. Horrible, really. Sick beyond all sick. My thyroid was uncontrollable. I failed my glucose test yet I bottomed out on my three hour. I never had to pee. My blood pressure was climbing into the high range for the first time in my life. Something was off but nobody could put their finger on it, though everybody could sense the instability.
Last week, we'd take my blood pressure at home, 176/117, surely our machine was broken, no way. All week, 176,/113, 173, 178...hey, at least it was a consistent broken.
At a regular OB check on Friday morning, it was the moment of truth. There it was, 182/117. Buttons were pressed, people were called, and a doctor rushed in ready to investigate. We looked at our boy, kicking up a storm, did all the normal vitals, and rechecked my blood pressure. 187/116.
I was wheeled up to L&D immediately. Over the next two days, it was a quest to control my blood pressure and try and figure out where in the world this was coming from. I was only 19 weeks after all. I was way too early for any obvious pregnancy related issues.
But the feeling persisted. There was something.
By Sunday, I had been poked, prodded, and tested in so many ways, and my blood pressure was mildly under control. I was tired, my veins were shot, and I just wanted to go home.
When my doc finally came in, she talked to me and then said the magic words, "I'm going to have them prepare your discharge papers. You can go home but I want to see you back tomorrow for another blood pressure check. Before I head out, let's listen to the baby really fast."
She sat down next to me and placed the doppler on my belly.
Silence.
Moved it.
Silence.
The doppler turned off. "Oh come on, are the batteries dead"? Turned it back on and placed it back on my belly.
Silence.
The doppler shuts off again and doc decides to just call for a portable ultrasound machine. My brother happened to text for an update to which I replied with what I already knew,
"I was just told I can go home but they can't find the heartbeat, I think he's gone. Waiting for an ultrasound."
When my tiny framed doctor turned on the ultrasound machine, her shoulders immediately squared to the machine and her eyes studied the images on the screen. She measured and studied as she stared a black blob. I assumed it was the placenta and I knew it looked different. As she moved the probe over to the baby, I stopped her and simply said,
"I want you to know that I have known from day one that something wasn't right. Just so you know, you aren't going to say anything that will shock me. I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop and I think this is it".
A wave of relief and confusion came over her face as she showed me my sweet boy. His frame was perfect and beautiful but for the first time he wasn't kicking like a mad man and there was no flicker in his chest.
"Yes, you are right. I'm sorry, but there is no heartbeat".
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