Mother's Day

 I find it ironic that on the one day of the year where Mother's are celebrated, pictures portray matching outfitted smiling children, and beautiful words are flowing freely, I am utterly worn out, exhausted, and not really interested. If I'm honest, it was all I could do to open my gifts and read my hand made cards with a genuine smile. Our toddlers had meltdown and attitudes like crazy all day. I took a two hours "nap" this afternoon that mostly consisted of half dozing while I dreamt of the 20 things on my mind. All day I have had to manually shift my heart and brain away from my son's biological mother who's heart is likely aching something fierce. I did a pretty crappy job 'showing up' for Mother's Day. I tried. I really did. But I just couldn't pull it together.

I am so grateful that I get to be the mom of these six crazy kids, but gosh, sometimes we have to sit back and call a spade a spade.
Motherhood is HARD. It is EXHAUSTING. And sometimes, it is just too much.

But, really, I am a thousand times more grateful that tomorrow is a new day and that children have the innate ability to love anyways. Despite my lack of enthusiasm for the day, every single one of my kids offered their prayers for me tonight, kissed me, and told me I was the best mom God ever made. Somehow these kids are able to see through my weakness and love on the greatness that they know that I can be. For that, I am grateful.

Happy Mother's Day to my own mama, my mother-in-law, my sisters-in-laws, aunts, and all of my mom friends. I have learned so much from you and am grateful that I get to walk this crazy road with you.

Offering Ourselves to the Broken

 A couple of days ago, a fellow adoptive mom and I were trading stories about how bad we are at this whole "adoptive mom" thing. It's so hard. It has the highest highs but it also has the lowest lows...that usually have NOTHING to do with you. As we laughed in release at our shortcomings, all the sudden I just blurted out, "we aren't SUPPOSED to be good at this. Foster care, adoption, these things weren't supposed to exist! Kids are intended to be with their parents. Sin caused this. We aren't supposed to be good at this!"

It kind of shocked me when it came out of my mouth because I had never thought about it like that before. But, gosh, it's so frustratingly accurate. My brokenness, your brokenness, all of the brokenness, it wasn't supposed to be. God had a much better plan.

I have continued to think about this. It has continued to frustrate, yet comfort me, all at the same time. So how are we supposed to "succeed" if we were never even intended to perform such a task?!? I see what Nick deal's with, I see what we experience, I see what his biological family endures, and it all makes me so sad because it just didn't have to be.

Yesterday morning, on a completely unrelated note, the kids and I had a sit down. I'm cracking down on quite a few things and I needed to post the warning. I explained exactly where I was tightening up and how things would be handled. I then told them my absolute favorite quote by St. Catherine of Sienna, "If you are who you should be, you will set the world ablaze!" and explained that it is my job, as their mom, to help them learn who they were CREATED to be because it is only there that they will truly know the the gifts that they were given to give to others.

And there it was. My answer. No, the brokenness of our world, in ourselves, was never intended to be but it is in knowing who we are in the One who created us that we can help carry that load and help another see that they were also intentionally, lovingly, and perfectly created and intended for greatness. The success doesn't come in fixing the brokenness, it comes in offering ourselves to it so the brokenness can see it's beauty.

Bam.

He Loves Me!

 

This little dude has put our relationship to the test for the last 4 months. By no fault of his own, his understanding of a mommy is a bit out of whack and it comes with A LOT of big emotions. That box got unlocked after a trauma response in December and we've been riding the crazy attachment ride ever since. He shifted Paul into the safe seat and put me...well, under the left wheel of the car. It's been humbling to say the least. And frustrating, very frustrating.

So, this morning, when he walked in my room at 6:03AM and asked to "lay wif mommy", you bet I scooted over and took a picture to remind myself next time I'm about to pull my hair out. I had no idea that this picture would say so much more. Thank you, Jesus, for this Holy Week gift!

#HeLovesMe #HeReallyReallyLovesMe #HeSureHasAFunnyWayOfShowingIt #AdoptionIsALotHarderThanItLooks #ButWorthIt