At Odds

 Have you ever felt like you are at odds with yourself? It's like taking uppers and downers at the same time. I've always been very grateful to have a very clear faith that God's Will is the best way. Even if it leads me to something brutal, I know that I will come out on the other side more of who I was created to be. I wholeheartedly believe this.

But here's the thing, while I have a lot of peace knowing that Benjamin was never meant for earth, quite frankly, I'm kind of ticked that it's the case. Despite all of the complaining I did about being pregnant, the shocking change of plans, and the horrible sickness, I'd give anything to have it all back. I wanted to hold him. I wanted to hear his cry. I wanted to see the joy he brought to his siblings. I wanted to see him grow.

With every day that has gone by and every moment of physical healing, the reality that I am another day farther away from him grips me. Today is the 1st of February and January, the month that we held him, is gone. My HCG levels are back to pre-pregnancy levels, his pregnancy for my body is over. I finally unpacked my bag from the hospital, my time with him is over. All of my amazon packages need to be returned, there is no baby coming. It just goes on and on. Life, despite all of its continued joys and greatness, seems to be a constant reminder of what has been lost.

I just can't quite come to grips with the idea that this is what was in the cards for me. But, at the same time, I have complete faith that it is and will be better than I could have ever planned. A conflict, indeed.

----------------

On a side note, I do want to say that if any of you have experienced miscarriage or stillbirth, I am sorry that I did not know how to hold space for you. There are no right words and nobody can make it better but, gosh, it's a lonely road to walk when the highlight, the proudest joy, of the whole story is a baby that has died. I thought that asking about your son or daughter would upset you. I didn't know that while the tears may flow freely, there is no greater joy than talking about your child. If you feel so inclined, I'd love to hear about him/her. I'd love to see his/her pictures. They won't scare me. I just want you to know that your baby, your child, won't be forgotten.